Thursday, January 23

A list of topics organized to be vaguely resembling a resume

This is a stream of thought - I am not sure if I want to turn this into a resume or not. I am looking for new challenges - for the "right kind" of opportunity, and for that I need to define what "right kind of opportunity" means for me.

I've since refined some of this into a resume, and am adding references. I expect to continue refining my thoughts about what I want to be doing, and I will also be trying some non-employment mechanisms for sustaining myself.

Friday, January 10

Colorful past?

I have a somewhat colorful past.

For example, I was introduced to anal sex by one of my "cousins" (second cousin, I think - I have a lot of those), when I was three. That did not bother me all that much, nor did it appeal to me. Anal sex has all the attraction for me of taking a shit when I am constipated. I understand other people seem to like it, but sometimes I wonder about such people.

What did bother me was the social situation surrounding the issue. As near as I can tell (I was three - my vocabulary was limited), this guy threatened my sister in some way to me, to keep me quiet, and also badmouthed me to my parents, to have them keep me quiet. I'm not sure exactly what he accused me of, but when I tried to accidentally bring up the issue with mom, she did not understand me and I took that as a sign that I should not be discussing the issue.

And that was something of a struggle, being brought up with an acute awareness of people's sexuality and thinking I was not supposed to talk about it. By the time I reached the age where it's socially acceptable to be aware of sexual issues, I was so tied up in knots about sex and so habitually trained in expressing reluctance that I literally fled from everyone I was attracted to. I'm that way to this very day.

Mostly my life growing up consisted of reading - that was how I balanced the imperatives I felt I was living under. And, both of my parents had a background in education. So on the positive side, I have a relatively good educational background. I am also quite comfortable with failing, which does good things for my learning capacity.

Still, this particular set of pressures has also left me without some basic social skills -- not many people are comfortable associating with someone whose reaction to most interesting social situations is to flee.

On a related note, I have been told that the guy who did this to me/introduced me to sex has had a troubled and unhappy life. I do not know the details.

On another related note, I have had a worse experience as an adult (just once, but that one left me bleeding and worried about HIV and too self-conscious to report it to the police). That was rather awful, but it also wasn't until after that experience that I felt comfortable enough about the concept of sex to approach another person in a normal fashion. (Note that this was in the '80s - and as near as I can tell from recent statistics the internet availability of pornography has actually reduced the relative levels of sexual assault - I think people are maybe a bit more comfortable talking about sexual issues and I think that's a good thing.)

So, my sexual identity? I am not sure I have an orientation. I appreciate sexuality, and I see it in all aspects of life (including math!). I mostly avoid people because I am confused both by society and its rules and by my own reactions.

I appreciate hetrosexual activities, a lot. I find occasional beauty in both gay and lesbian activities, as well as bi and trans and other such things. But I keep to myself - I see no value in offending people and I have observed that I throw myself too hard into relationships. I'm comfortable being an introvert and a loner, and while I recognize sexuality as an aspect of even casual relationships that's not how I was raised, and I need a lot of time alone.

I'm not sure what that makes me, but I am starting to recognize just how much my instinctive efforts to flee being popular or looking nice has sabotaged my life.

Or has it? There are some good things to be said about being comfortable being alone.

Anyways, here is some proposed law related to my experiences:

I think an issue here is that law (and government, and civilian society) all want to do what is best - for themselves, for others. But any codified system is necessarily backwards looking, and aimed at the worst of past problems.

Meanwhile, child sexuality is a thing, and we each develop in our own way. And parents are known for getting really upset, sometimes, when their child gets upset. Other parents are known for tolerance. How do we balance these?

We know from statistics that young girls have been getting pregnant, and raped, by the millions - far more than can be accounted for from criminal statistics. We know from the news that basically every Christian organization has had some contribution to these statistics. Christians have historically dealt with this by recognizing that everyone is a sinner and by asking each other to stop when people were bothered by it.

I know I am no saint, here, but I also have some personal experience, as an adult, from the other side of the fence. As I currently understand it, a young lady tried to commit suicide, because I did not offer her the [sexual?] closeness that she needed. That weighs heavily on my conscience.

As I understand it, she hooked up with another family that gave her the sexual release she needed, and she is doing better now. Perhaps sad and lonely, but because of current law and social customs I have been staying a long way away from her. I am not proud of this, I am sad - what does it say about me that I would place my own well being above hers?

But, given how our society is currently structured, and my own slow abilities to form thoughts and connections, I am not sure what I could have done that was better. I know, from statistics, that other people make other kinds of arrangements in their lives, than I do, but it still hurts, knowing that I have hurt another person like this.

For now, I just try and stay away from anyone that might be personally attracted to me. That fits my general inclinations and saves me from having to agonize over the hurt I might be causing people. Well, not exactly, people are still going to be lonely, and hurt, and I am probably contributing to that. And my lack of social involvement is not making any of this any better. Maybe if I sink myself into other activities - coding, educational concerns (from a "safe" distance!), and maybe some physical exercise - I can get past the sadness inherent in some of our social structures and biology?